So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
