I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
