just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
