A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
i came on her dog
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
