I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
