Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
