I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
now i know why i became what i already was.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
