you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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