Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
