I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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