Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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