Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
