I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
