I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
