This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
