The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
