im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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