Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
