he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
