I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
