I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Randomize
