I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
