elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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