His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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