I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Randomize
