you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
This is classic penis vs brain.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
