Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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