i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
