just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
