Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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