I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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