i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
