New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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