i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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