Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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