Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Randomize
