you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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