R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
