Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
