Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
