Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
