It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
