everyone is single if you try hard enough
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
