Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
