it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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