Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
