i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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