some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
