ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
