I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
