I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
