So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
