Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
