The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
